Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It's a Hell'er deal

Eating on the bike is fraught with problems. From chocking on peanuts in nut bars to fumble fingers trying to rip open packaging. It is a world I have become hugely involved in this strange and tentative place of problems.

It was hanging sky day, a storm of southerly cold rain waiting to happen. With jacket packed and headphones in to isolate me from the realities of riding on the road in the wet I spun though a casual bays loop. After the escape of the south coast I was blown into Lyle Bay for a quick shop for inappropriate ride food.

Discount food stores all smell the same. Something becomes of combining unwanted goods in small space. And there is always heaps of unusual soap that did not do well with the middle class mums. I choose a small tub of ice-cream, a packet of shapes, a six pack of marshmallow Easter eggs, a small number of chocolate biscuits and an unpopular variation on a popular energy drink. All out of fashion, close to expiry or the result of failed marketing campaigns.

Another favourite activity of mine is how it will fit. This involves the problem of storage when riding bicycles. Yes you normally have back pockets in your team kit shirt or whatever, but they are small and thing melt in there like on a tar in the sun. My road bike is adorned with a top tube food box/bag thing, which has been relocated to stop it touching my knees (can't stand that shit). This gives a new avenue of stowage. And I am always pushing it limit.

So this game starts out with buying clearly a bit too much food for the space available and preceding though the check out with gay abandon. Then arrive back at your bike and realise what you have done. A little dismayed place everything on the ground around the bike. First smart move is to start eating; the biggest pocket is on the inside. Start with things that can be easily crunched or melted. But you won’t feel like that right now, and we went over why you can’t put chocolate in your back pocket. But there were three bars of Moro's for $3 or some other hell’er deal, so in the frame box thing it goes.

That can of drink will sit nicely but briefly in-between your aero bars. By briefly I mean until you go over the curb to get back on the road, then it will smash and you will have to suck what remains following this though a gravely hole in the aluminium.

Packets of chips and biscuits and prime back pocket fodder, no chocolate. They are light and bulky and pretty much won’t go anywhere else anyway. The real problem of these foods comes when it’s time to put it in your face. Unless its real cold and/or wet ditch the gloves, you will only make a mess. Carefully extract the packet and remove unnecessary packaging. Gingerly open the bag while nervously riding no hands or on stably on the aero bars. Then put your non-dominant hand into the bag and hold it to the handle bar. Then watch as the bad rips and the entire contents drops onto the road before you can eat anything. Quickly stop and proceed to pick up and eat as much of what is strewn across the road before a car runs it over.

Then the rain started and I got wet, then cold and it was shit even though I still had chocolate biscuits left to eat. At least it was not let the few days before when I came close to been struck by lightning.

Also the World 24 hour Solo Champs are in a matter of days, wicked.

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